Taming the Tiger for Christmas

Have you ever wondered who would win in a fight between a European bear and a Tiger? Male South East Asian Tigers, such as the Bengal and Sumatran weigh around 500 lbs and average some nine feet long. Female Bears come in about 350 pounds. Polar bears criss-cross the Arctic but don’t go as far as Sweden. So while they look like the perfect Viking bear, they are not.

Tiger and Bear Mating

It is hard to imagine a tiger and a bear mating but obviously they have tried and produced viable offspring. Damn! Imagine what you can produce with a long metal club and little white balls. Nevertheless, our falling hero is actually not a tiger. Lions come from Africa, where the father of Eldrick ‘Tiger’ Woods came from and of course, his Thai mother is Asian. So he is a ‘Liger.’ Much less aggressive than either the lion or tiger, the liger is the biggest pussycat that has ever walked the whole earth. Tipping over the scales at more than 1000 pounds and exceeding 10 feet when standing on its hind legs, it strikes fear into all.

Liger

Yet, the liger is a confused animal; it has an ambivalent sense of what it is. Lions typically roar and hate water. Tigers are more aquatic, growl and chuff, but never roar. Well ligers stand in water and roar. They don’t make many more oral sounds but if a liger could talk it would tell you that it is a “Caublasian.” This is the term which Eldrick invented as he refused to accept the label that America’s one drop rule gives to him. "Brotha! If youse got even one drop of Black ancestral coal in your family tree… you Black!" He is a Liger from another set of words. The first comes from liar because he is lying to first to himself and then poorly so to his wife. The second is less obvious and denigrating but difficult to ignore. However, he will get it when he falls asleep after eating.

Mystery

Mystery surrounds the recent clash and divorce while living at home. Tiger has fallen into the Black stereotype of cheating on his wife with a white waitress who looks set to trash his marriage. As any reasonable woman would, she took a club to him and beat him like the New Jersey Nets or Cleveland Browns and he took off on a drive. Unfortunately, his drive was nothing as long as those on the golf courses and as he tried to escape and cool off, he took out a fire hydrant crashing like his pristine image. Hopefully, his prowess as a golf cart driver on the many courses he plays shows more inter-course dexterity.

Dollars but no Sense

Estimated by Forbes to be worth an estimated US$600million, he has a lot of dollars but little sense. This self-negating brotha must really not be black at all, because he has no obvious penchant for PHAT, bootlicious African American women. He married Swede Elin Nordegren in 2004 and is now suspected of having cheated with three White women; Rachel Uchitel, Jaimee Grubbs, and Kalika Moquin. After a pubic (sic) apology, (what the ‘L’ was that about?) it is now reported that he has allowed his wife to renegotiate the pre-nuptial agreement and he is paying her a hefty $80 million to stay in the marriage. What about staying and forgiving or leaving with your half?

Pimping
If there is any truth in the rumour then he just needs the gaudy clothes, Bootsy Collins Funkadelic glasses, mink coat and fly shoes, because he be pimping. something stinks about such an arrangement. Yes! Money for compensation due to the break up. That makes sense. But if she stays because he pays there is no question as to what kind of relationship they have and what kind of woman she is.

Then again it is approaching yuletide and her Scandinavian folk hero Santa Claus must be laughing early. Ho! Ho Ho! Merry Christmas! The bear wins.